Control Monkey
The challenges (perfect word) of dealing and sharing with others has presented me with an aspect of core wound/undercurrent that in retrospect, I have been shying away from confronting for many years if not all my life.
The passive/aggressive controller.
As teachers/healers these are possibly the hardest people to spot. As we try so hard to be giving and loving (“The saviour complex” which is another blog – ha!), the subtlety of the challenges to ourselves can go unnoticed for some time. Something we may have overcome in ourselves long ago can be hard to spot until the annihilation is in full swing and it may all be a bit too late to salvage the outcome of obsessive, unconscious control.
As with all core wounds and unhelpful behaviour – control comes from fear – although the passive aggressive has a demeanor of anything but. They usually appear extremely confident and down to earth whilst secretly harbouring an unconscious dread of losing authority. Sometimes with the most trivial of matters. Rather than surrendering to the teaching or therapy, they spend their time analysing and questioning the most basic or irrelevant aspects of it. This can be extremely challenging as it is done in a very subtle manner and is easily dismissed as being someone who is just a little difficult when in reality the very heart of what we have been initiated into sharing with the world is actually under attack without us realising it. It is a very subtle form of narcissism but a not particularly obvious type. The full blown narcissist is far easier to spot.
The controller usually begins with simple questioning of us, finds the weakness (which are usually a lack of boundaries and non confrontational attitude) and then gradually begins to challenge us on bigger issues once they feel they have asserted enough control and can call the shots.
A need to control comes from insecurity and fear and is the opposite of the yogic or somatic path. When we seek to control every facet of our lives (including other people) we become ruinous and aggressive. This is inevitable. This is karmic law. Cause and effect.
The first aspect of yoga asana and somatic bodywork is to release mental control and come back into the body. Allowing both breath and body to do what they need to do without any interference from the monkey mind. The ego will employ many tactics to reassert control and feel comfortable when the body and breath are making them feel otherwise. But this is the first stage of healing and these people don’t feel they need to be healed. This is the crux.
Another tactic of the controller is to bring in other people to reinforce their need to control the situation. Creating a gang mentality to bully their way back into feeling safe and in their power. Childhood trauma, as is so often the case, will undoubtedly be the root cause of the passive aggressive controller. However, I would suggest these people are possibly the most difficult to deal with as the undercurrent is so subtle.
As stated earlier, the outcome of controlling behaviour is destruction and one may take down other people, an organisation or relationship without even realising it. The job of the therapist or teacher is to prevent this from happening.
As the old English adage goes: “We always hurt the the ones (or things) we love!” This is the inevitability of a need to control. We hang on tighter and tighter until what we hold dear is crushed by our inability to simply let it be and love it as it is.
Until we learn to simply let go and accept, we will always be in a cycle of fighting, loss and carnage. A rebel without a cause.